"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11
When I was 18 and preparing to leave home for my freshman year of college in Massachusetts, this verse gave me comfort and hope. But just two months before my classes started I had major surgery which left me worse off than I'd ever been before. I didn't know it then, but just six weeks after leaving for college I'd be right back in a Pennsylvania hospital for another emergency surgery... and this time my body would never recover from it.
For 7 years, 7 months, 2 weeks and 3 days I have lived every single second of my life in pain. It was impossible to salvage my first semester because I could barely function, and when I went back to school in January, I needed the help of a wheelchair to get to my classes and meals. My mom was still hopeful that we'd find a solution, but at some point it seemed easier to begin accepting the change in my life than to keep hoping I'd wake up one day without the debilitating pain and fatigue.
Today is a really hard day. I woke up in severe pain far worse than the normal pain I live with, and I can't even move without crying out. Sometimes it scares me to think of being a mom and taking care of someone else when I have days like this where I can barely take care of myself. Was this all part of the plan? The plan in which I'd prosper and not be harmed? There was a time when I still thought the answer to that question was 'yes,' and that I'd be able to get my college degree and work to help other people going through similar issues of living life in chronic pain, especially young people like me. But when I'm laying here in bed, sometimes for days at a time, I am not helping anyone.
When I was in high school I was the captain of the cheerleading squad, a lead in our senior play, the co-editor of our yearbook, and I graduated with one of the top GPAs of my class. I couldn't wait to leave it all behind and move on because I believed that I had a real life ahead of me. But what does any of it matter now? Too many days my biggest accomplishment is showering and drying my hair. There is nothing like the loss of your freedom, your dreams, your future, your hope and your self-- all at once.
I'd like to think that God still has a plan for me, but it's getting harder and harder to keep believing that. Every time I start to build up hope again, I have another day like today and it all comes crashing down again. I want to take comfort from this verse again, but I'm afraid it just seems too good to be true.
When I was in high school I was the captain of the cheerleading squad, a lead in our senior play, the co-editor of our yearbook, and I graduated with one of the top GPAs of my class. I couldn't wait to leave it all behind and move on because I believed that I had a real life ahead of me. But what does any of it matter now? Too many days my biggest accomplishment is showering and drying my hair. There is nothing like the loss of your freedom, your dreams, your future, your hope and your self-- all at once.
I'd like to think that God still has a plan for me, but it's getting harder and harder to keep believing that. Every time I start to build up hope again, I have another day like today and it all comes crashing down again. I want to take comfort from this verse again, but I'm afraid it just seems too good to be true.
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