The worst of the worst

She said, "I wanted to tell them, 'How could you add to my pain by ignoring it?'"

The past few years have been some of the worst of my life, if not the worst. What I experienced while taking care of my Grandpa after he got sick and then losing him in less than a year was the most terrible thing to have ever happened to me... including all of the pain and suffering I've gone through because of my physical health. Since then I have never been able to get myself back to where I was, and I've been on a near-constant downward spiral that only got worse over 2012.

Everything is converging. I am facing some of my worst nightmares over a short span of time: infertility, constant and severe pain on a daily basis with no end to it in sight, the loss of a loved one, the death of my dreams, the suffocation of not having enough money for certain things... it has been a hard road, and I am so brokenhearted. I haven't kept it a secret from the people I love. At first I thought they would see the change in me, but no one said a word. Then I became honest about how much I am suffering... but it was met with looks of pity and silence. I certainly don't know what to do, and they don't know what to do, so it has been neatly brushed under the rug where it has stayed ever since.

The difference is that they can walk away from this pain and heartache-- but I don't have that option. This is something I am struggling with from the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I fall asleep. It is weighing heavily on me, and it has changed me, and I don't want to be stuck in this rut anymore. But I don't think I can do it alone. I need real support. I need compassion, comfort, and someone to listen... I need love, encouragement, and advice on how to get out of here. Unfortunately, everyone is too busy with their own lives for the time being. Even when I've said-- straight out-- that I need their help, they do nothing. So... it looks like it's just you and me for now, God.