Trust

My grandparents are the real life fairy tale. They were married for 57 years before my grandpa passed away, and had been together since the 7th grade. "I only ever loved one woman," my grandpa said to me as he reflected on his life a few months before he died. By then the brain tumor was affecting almost all of his speech, and often it felt like I had to learn a new language in order to talk with him. But he could still say those words perfectly: "I only ever loved one woman." 

My grandparents are my role models. I would love to grow up to be just like them. They have enriched my life immeasurably and have blessed me in ways that I know I will never be able to repay. The day Grandma told me about the tumor I had gone to their house for a quick lunch between classes, and as we sat at the table Grandma turned my world upside down by saying, "Honey, they found a mass in Grandpa's brain." We'd known something was wrong for a few weeks, but it still didn't seem possible. He was healthy, only 74 years old, and vibrant. I glanced over at Grandpa who uncharacteristically had his head down as if in defeat, and the tears started pouring before I even realized I was crying.

"What's happening?" I asked it frantically, about three times, as I struggled to process her words. My question didn't make sense, but at that moment, neither did my life. At this point Grandma was crying as well, but Grandpa was unmovable... and silent. I will never forget the way she reached across the table for his hand and held on, as if for dear life, as she said, "We've always said we're Christians; now it's time to prove it. We have to trust in God."

Trust in God. I find this to be such an incredibly difficult thing to do, even despite my best intentions. When life seems to be crashing down around me, it's hard to imagine that it's part of the plan, and that in the midst of the chaos, God is in control. The past 3+ years make me think I made a wrong turn somewhere as I wait for a door to open... or a window... or even some kind of crack in the wall that might reassure me I won't be stuck here forever. I want to trust in God because I don't want to carry this burden anymore. I want to believe that He has a plan for me, even on the days and weeks when I feel useless because I am in too much pain to get out of bed.

I just wish it was a little easier to do.